Celebrity Scissors Paper Stone

A truly epic contest

2009-07-16T09:59:00.005+01:00

Hello again, all you finger, palm and fist lovers. Today we have a contest between two generally mild-mannered gentlemen of wit. It's a tough one to call and, despite Hugh being a huge success in the USA these days (and proving that English actors called Hugh can do something other than foppish cuteness), we Brits retain a distinct fondness for Stephen Fry.

'Lots of folk live on their wits' said Larkin. This is truer of no-one more than Mr. Fry - we at CSPS like to think of him as a modern day Willie Rushton.

So (with no real in-house favourite for possibly the first time), here we go.

1...2...3..

Hmmm, is that supposed to be 'stone(s)'? Looks more like onions or globes of some kind.

Well that's definitely a globe (and blatant showing off), back on the starting line gentlemen.

1...2...3...

We have a 'twin stone' - possibly the most flamboyant in CSPS history from Fry and the most emphatic double-hander from Laurie. Neck and neck so we require a third round.

1...2...3...

Blimey, it's another draw - twin 'paper' this time (including a 'double paper'). Laurie loses a mark for slipping in another award though so Fry edges it by default. Phew, we haven't seen one this close in CSPS history.

Fist on people, fist on.

CSPS

Also Sprach schere - one Fred follows another

2009-07-08T15:31:00.005+01:00

Epic conflicts of our time:

Pepsi vs Coke
Swap Shop vs Magpie
Roddick vs Federer
Kramer vs Kramer

Epic conflicts of the past centuries:

Napoleon vs Piles
Christians vs Lions
Theseus vs the Minotaur

and...the biggest case of handbags of all: Wagner vs Nietzsche

It's a well-know fact that these two were great mates but fell out (Wagner apparently called Fred's mum a 'degenerate trouser monkey').

Time to sort it all out and find who is man and who is superman, in the only contest so far decided by illustrated reportage. The pen is, indeed, mightier than the camera (or somesuch)

1...2...3...

Oh, sorry, we need a whole evening's prologue to explain the back story don't we, is that a bass I hear rumbling in E flat? No? Must be the slow collapse of England's batsmen heard from afar.

1...2...3...

So, the lesser-known 'thumb and forefinger' variant of 'scissors', practiced almost entirely in 11th century Persia, cuts the 'paper' of Dickie (and possibly the licorice stick in his other hand - or is that the famous Twiglet of the Gods??)

Wagnerdammerung I'm afraid, done & dusked

CSPS

New balls please

2009-07-08T09:33:00.004+01:00

After the excitement of Wimbledon it's time to move on to the next great British summer sporting event we expect more from than we're likely to get. The balls are leathery, not furry, the racket is longer and thinner and, for once, we may well be praying for rain.

Yes folks, the Ashes is upon us and what better way to settle it than with some finger, palm and fist action (might be less painful than the real thing).

Each team has nominated a representative and, now England's has finally showed up, we'll get things under way.

1...2...3...

Oh dear, really? Well, there we have it - Aussie paper wraps the stone of England despite going soggy in the inevitable rain. When will they fit a roof to Lords?

So, another summer of disappointment beckons, please take heart in the fact that at least there aren't any major football tournaments for us to lose this summer.

Six and out

CSPS

Take That vs Robbie

2009-07-07T15:38:00.003+01:00

So, here's the thing - if we'd run this contest 3 years ago there would only have been one winner (and he'd have sung when he was winning). Now, not such a foregone conclusion, TT are back for good and RW isn't winning enough to sing about.

The question is, who's fire has been re-lit and who rules the world now? Only one way to settle it.

Here we go boys...
1...2...3...

Double stone blunts scissors every time, whether you kiss the scissors for luck or not.

Take That are clear winners and the war is over. Congratulations boys, looks like Robbie can only win by re-joining the band. Question is, do they need him any more?

Over & out

CSPS

Old timers tennis is just as exciting

2009-07-01T14:23:00.003+01:00

Continuing the tennis theme we have Roddick vs Hewitt in the seniors tournament coming up - their combined age is 134 but they're still fighting fit. Hewitt will have the support of the traveling Aussies as usual but will he crumble in the heat? Let's find out....

1...2...3...

Interesting, Hewitt is so focused he can play a classic 'paper' even mid-rally, enveloping Roddick's 'stone' in the papery embrace of a true champion. Good work Lleyton

Fist on, compadres.

Watch out Murray, it's the Fed express

2009-07-01T11:50:00.004+01:00

Right, we've had a year off to travel the world & check out all the SPS action we can find but now we're home & ready to share.

Topically, we're off to Wimbledon to see who might win the men's singles this year. The 2 most hotly tipped are Murray & Federer so let's see if an SPS contest can decide it without having to bother with the rest of the week's play.

Fingers at the ready boys...

1...2...3..

There we have it, paper covers stone and Murray has to wait for his first grand slam. Now, if we could have found a picture of Murray playing 'scissors' we'd have used it as we're clearly biased beyond belief.

Game, set and weird gold handbag to Federer.

It's good to be back.

SPS

Don't Stop Me Now

2008-06-12T12:09:00.002+01:00

Sorry Freddie, ain't up to me, we must respect the laws of CSPS. Next round in the Rock Off is ready so let's get on with the fist action

1..2..3....

Paper beats stone (actually, paper played by Stone beats stone played by Queen if you want to get all technical on my ass, please don't though).

Now, we could continue this and have The Stones vs The Scissor Sisters but, at some point, we'd have to inviter Paper Lace to play and I'd really rather we didn't if it's all the same. I can't exist in a world where the creators of 'Billy, Don't be a Hero' beat the creators of 'Paint it Black', it's just damn wrong is what it is.

So, til next time fist lovers, it's a fond farewell from the only website you'll see the words Freddie Mercury and fisting together without needing a lie down.

Rock off

Ready Freddie??

2008-06-06T12:04:00.003+01:00

So, in the world of the CSPS 'rock off' the girls are still on top. However, they're up against true rock royalty today so might not find the going so easy...

1...2...3...

There we have it, the trademark Mercury 'stone' blunts the scissors of Geri and the one other Spice she managed to convince that the peace sign is 'cool'.

The boys take over, who's up next, tune in soon to find out....

Royal power or Girl Power?

2008-06-05T12:27:00.002+01:00

I know, it's the eternal question (well, we couldn't get Eternal, seems they split up, so we got someone else).

1..2..3...

There we have it, a clear "couldn't you find a better photo than that (no I couldn't, you try!)" double paper beaten by scissors.

And so it begins....welcome to the Celebrity SPS rock off. Over the next few posts (until I get bored or find a particularly good photo of George Formby I can use) it's the battle of the pop stars. Will girl power reign supreme? Will the stadium gods win with a 'carbon neutral recycled' paper? Does anyone really give a toss that Geri's written a book??

Find out soon.

Remember, fingers, fist, stuff, nonsense, don't watch Big Brother, it's pants.

Bye

It's a family affair

2008-05-27T14:58:00.003+01:00

I read in one of the bigger (size wise) Sunday papers this weekend that Britain used to have 4 levels of morality:

immoral
amoral
moral
Balmoral

Very clever. Might win an award. I won't but I do have royals competing in SPS so I win anyway.

Here are those royals

1..2...3.....

Possibly the most covert 'scissors' ever employed in open competition. Then again, got to be circumspect when giving the fingers to your parents haven't you.

He's on a hat trick (and I'll have to find another bloody picture of him)

Let's fist again, like we did last summer.....

2008-05-22T10:00:00.003+01:00

So, welcome back fist lovers (you know who you are).

Celebrity SPS is proud to have accurately predicted the outcome of last night's Champions' League final (although the palm that won it turned out to belong to Edwin Van Der Sar and the only fist action was, somewhat predictably, from Drogba).

On with the action. Fergie is up for the triple and he's pitted against his arch nemesis (sorry, couldn't resist this one, I know it's pathetic).

1...2...3...

There we have it, double stone beaten by royal paper. We don't often get players wearing full military regalia to try & wow the crowd. Now, where the #*@! am I going to find another picture of him for the next round.

See you soon, remember, your destiny, blah blah, palm, fisting

2008-05-21T14:16:00.010+01:00

It's Champions' League night and there's one man who doesn't give up without a fight defending his title. May I introduce, in the red corner, Fergie...

oops, sorry, wrong Fergie. Nice scissors though. Let's try again....

damn, still, nice to know who'd win in a fight out of the two of them. That's right, Fergie.

Anyway, enough of this frippery, let's get on with the real Mr. Ferguson

Ever the control freak he's only gone and played paper AND stone against himself. No can do Sir Alex, one at a time please.

1..2..3..

...and he wins the double. He's on track for a historic triple now. Just for fun let's see how Jose would have played it...

oooh, he'd only have won it for them!

Tough luck Chelsea, there but for the grace of Mourinho.....

Ah well, who cares.

Check back soon folks for more fingering and fisting (and some palming too)

2008-05-21T14:06:00.005+01:00

So, now the party's over and Boris has realised he's actually got a job to do (and speaking Latin won't help), it's time for him to defend his other title, that of CSPS winner.

He's on a hat trick so it'll take something special to knock him off top spot. His challenger is also on a roll at the moment so it could be close.

1...2....3.......

Double paper has it. Is this a portent, can Fergie do the double and beat Chelsea tonight? Is double paper the tactic to bring home the silverware??

Let's find out

Bozza strikes again

2008-05-06T14:57:00.005+01:00

Welcome back, hope you washed your hands. We bring you a special 'all London' edition of Celebrity SPS now in the hope that it will be just as keenly contested as the mayoral election.

Doing battle today we have Boris 'The Retriever' Johnson up against Ken 'The Stick Thrower' Livingstone. Will Boris bite the hand that feeds him or will we see a strange and Orwellian conclusion in which the dumb animal moves into the house and takes over the role of human being, having fooled us all along?

1...2...3...

Tits, the animal is in!! Sorry Mr. Orwell, we should have listened all those years ago when you warned us.

Boris is on a hat trick now (and I'm not even sure he really knows he's been competing).

Check back for more fist, finger and palm brandishing.

Yikes!?!

Round 2 for Liam

2008-05-06T14:52:00.005+01:00

Welcome back, hope you had a nice cup of tea during the break, Liam did.

1...2...3...

Oh no, he's been Borissed, even the 'reverse scissors' can't beat stone!

Good job Boris is fluent in Greek, Latin and mumbling, 3 qualities essential for playground games and running a cosmopolitan modern city.

Boris has said he's happy to defend his crown immediately so we'll be back after these messages from our sponsors....

An unlikely pairing

2008-05-06T14:46:00.003+01:00

Welcome back to Celebrity SPS, who'd have thought a fist and a palm could be so entertaining. You join us for an unprecedented double-header so, without further ado here we go with the first contest of the day.

Residing champ George W. Bush is up against an unlikely opponent and I think we may well see him get his comeuppance here folks. I sincerely hope so.

Here we go, 1....2....3....

and finally, George gets thrust aside with the first 'reverse scissors' seen in open play since the era of Punk.

Well done Liam, all that hard work finally paid off!!

America's finest go palm to fist

2008-04-17T10:18:00.007+01:00

So, Jacko is on a hat trick as you join us at an incredibly tense moment in the long and illustrious history of celebrity SPS. I can feel the world holding it's breath and thinking "What will he do with those fingers today?".

Let me introduce the contender. In the naughty corner (for starting a war before breakfast and getting down from the table without asking) we have George W. Bush. In case you were wondering the W. stands for W.... oh, no time for that? OK, on with the action.

Without further ado here's the contest.

1-2-3...

So, we have a winner and it's Georgie boy!

Interesting to note that, not only has Jackson changed his play to 'stone' from a previously successful 'scissors', but he's also chosen to employ not one but two people to sign his part in the contest for the hard of hearing (clearly forgetting that the hard of hearing can generally see).

Wonderful, not only is George the most powerful man on the planet he also holds the coveted Celebrity SPS crown.

Can someone take that smug look off George's face with a cleverly employed fist? Check back next time to find out.

Remember, as always, your destiny is in your fingers, your fist and the palm of your hand.

Winner stays on

2008-04-08T11:08:00.007+01:00

Today we are proud to introduce a new rule to CSPS, winner stays on. As a result, Michael Jackson is up again today, against a surprise contender. No need for introductions so let's get straight into the action, fingers fists & palms at the ready?? OK...

clearly a draw, round 2, here we go...

Jacko holds his nerve with another 'scisors' and triumphs over 'paper' once more (at least, I think it was Jackson who won, hard to tell with two physically similar players). Hard luck Pikachu, no need to look so embarrassed, at least you're real and not some kind of weird cartoon-like creation.

So, can he add a third scalp and achieve the ever-elusive hat-trick?

Check back & find out.

Remember kids, your destiny is in your fingers, your fist and the palm of your hand.

The doggone girl is mine

2008-04-07T12:25:00.012+01:00

They've been arguing over this in song since the 80s so let's sort it out once and for all. Despite their claims eschewing combat of any kind:

"Michael, We're Not Going To Fight About This, Okay?"

"Paul, I Think I Told You, I'm A Lover Not A Fighter"

we all know they love a good ruck.

Celebrity SPS can now reveal the results of a close-fought battle over 'the doggone girl' and the winner is.....

Michael Jackson, congratulations Michael.

Macca is generally know as a perennial 'scissors' player

but clearly used 'paper' again recently to devastating effect (beating a flagrantly unlawful 'double stone' in the process).

Coming soon on Celebrity SPS...

The inaugural CSPS 'Rock off', a knockout competition using fingers, fist and palm to reveal the best pop star ever.

How the war was won - New evidence comes to light

2008-04-04T11:54:00.006+01:00

So...we've all read our history books (or at least looked at the pictures) and we know how the evil Hitler was beaten...or do we? New evidence from T.I.T.S - Todmorden Institute of Theoretical Speculation - has new evidence which conclusively proves that the war was decided by a turn of events previously undisclosed (and ridiculous).

This new evidence proves beyond all doubt that World War II was actually won by means of Scissors Paper Stone. After growing tired of the effects of war on a ravaged Europe, Britain and Germany decided to put their heads together and sort it out once and for all. It was originally agreed that Air Hockey would be a great way to decide as it's impossible to be any good at it. Unfortunately a table couldn't be located as they'd all been melted down to replace the church railings that had been melted down to make armaments. So, in a secret room at the little known Harpenden Summit, after the count of 3, Hitler produced 'paper':

whilst Churchill countered with a beautifully executed 'scissors', thus ensuring victory for the free world and a place for himself in history.

Strangely, Churchill doesn't mention this in any of his erudite accounts of the war.

Now, I hear you saying, Churchill was onto an easy one there as everyone knows Hitler always played 'paper'. Not so:

Had Hitler played 'stone' we would be living in a very different world today.

As he didn't we'd like to celebrate by offering, for your enjoyment:

Check back regularly for some hot finger, fist and palm action from a whole host of famous figures from the past and present.