A truly epic contest

Hello again, all you finger, palm and fist lovers. Today we have a contest between two generally mild-mannered gentlemen of wit. It's a tough one to call and, despite Hugh being a huge success in the USA these days (and proving that English actors called Hugh can do something other than foppish cuteness), we Brits retain a distinct fondness for Stephen Fry.

'Lots of folk live on their wits' said Larkin. This is truer of no-one more than Mr. Fry - we at CSPS like to think of him as a modern day Willie Rushton.

So (with no real in-house favourite for possibly the first time), here we go.

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Hmmm, is that supposed to be 'stone(s)'? Looks more like onions or globes of some kind.

Well that's definitely a globe (and blatant showing off), back on the starting line gentlemen.

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We have a 'twin stone' - possibly the most flamboyant in CSPS history from Fry and the most emphatic double-hander from Laurie. Neck and neck so we require a third round.

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Blimey, it's another draw - twin 'paper' this time (including a 'double paper'). Laurie loses a mark for slipping in another award though so Fry edges it by default. Phew, we haven't seen one this close in CSPS history.

Fist on people, fist on.

CSPS

Also Sprach schere - one Fred follows another

Epic conflicts of our time:

Pepsi vs Coke
Swap Shop vs Magpie
Roddick vs Federer
Kramer vs Kramer

Epic conflicts of the past centuries:

Napoleon vs Piles
Christians vs Lions
Theseus vs the Minotaur

and...the biggest case of handbags of all: Wagner vs Nietzsche

It's a well-know fact that these two were great mates but fell out (Wagner apparently called Fred's mum a 'degenerate trouser monkey').

Time to sort it all out and find who is man and who is superman, in the only contest so far decided by illustrated reportage. The pen is, indeed, mightier than the camera (or somesuch)

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Oh, sorry, we need a whole evening's prologue to explain the back story don't we, is that a bass I hear rumbling in E flat? No? Must be the slow collapse of England's batsmen heard from afar.

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So, the lesser-known 'thumb and forefinger' variant of 'scissors', practiced almost entirely in 11th century Persia, cuts the 'paper' of Dickie (and possibly the licorice stick in his other hand - or is that the famous Twiglet of the Gods??)

Wagnerdammerung I'm afraid, done & dusked

CSPS

New balls please

After the excitement of Wimbledon it's time to move on to the next great British summer sporting event we expect more from than we're likely to get. The balls are leathery, not furry, the racket is longer and thinner and, for once, we may well be praying for rain.

Yes folks, the Ashes is upon us and what better way to settle it than with some finger, palm and fist action (might be less painful than the real thing).

Each team has nominated a representative and, now England's has finally showed up, we'll get things under way.

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Oh dear, really? Well, there we have it - Aussie paper wraps the stone of England despite going soggy in the inevitable rain. When will they fit a roof to Lords?

So, another summer of disappointment beckons, please take heart in the fact that at least there aren't any major football tournaments for us to lose this summer.

Six and out

CSPS

Take That vs Robbie

So, here's the thing - if we'd run this contest 3 years ago there would only have been one winner (and he'd have sung when he was winning). Now, not such a foregone conclusion, TT are back for good and RW isn't winning enough to sing about.

The question is, who's fire has been re-lit and who rules the world now? Only one way to settle it.

Here we go boys...
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Double stone blunts scissors every time, whether you kiss the scissors for luck or not.

Take That are clear winners and the war is over. Congratulations boys, looks like Robbie can only win by re-joining the band. Question is, do they need him any more?

Over & out

CSPS

Old timers tennis is just as exciting

Continuing the tennis theme we have Roddick vs Hewitt in the seniors tournament coming up - their combined age is 134 but they're still fighting fit. Hewitt will have the support of the traveling Aussies as usual but will he crumble in the heat? Let's find out....

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Interesting, Hewitt is so focused he can play a classic 'paper' even mid-rally, enveloping Roddick's 'stone' in the papery embrace of a true champion. Good work Lleyton

Fist on, compadres.

Watch out Murray, it's the Fed express

Right, we've had a year off to travel the world & check out all the SPS action we can find but now we're home & ready to share.

Topically, we're off to Wimbledon to see who might win the men's singles this year. The 2 most hotly tipped are Murray & Federer so let's see if an SPS contest can decide it without having to bother with the rest of the week's play.

Fingers at the ready boys...

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There we have it, paper covers stone and Murray has to wait for his first grand slam. Now, if we could have found a picture of Murray playing 'scissors' we'd have used it as we're clearly biased beyond belief.

Game, set and weird gold handbag to Federer.

It's good to be back.

SPS

Don't Stop Me Now

Sorry Freddie, ain't up to me, we must respect the laws of CSPS. Next round in the Rock Off is ready so let's get on with the fist action


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Paper beats stone (actually, paper played by Stone beats stone played by Queen if you want to get all technical on my ass, please don't though).

Now, we could continue this and have The Stones vs The Scissor Sisters but, at some point, we'd have to inviter Paper Lace to play and I'd really rather we didn't if it's all the same. I can't exist in a world where the creators of 'Billy, Don't be a Hero' beat the creators of 'Paint it Black', it's just damn wrong is what it is.

So, til next time fist lovers, it's a fond farewell from the only website you'll see the words Freddie Mercury and fisting together without needing a lie down.

Rock off